Boxing.

When I first heard the statement, “You can only be afraid of something that has already happened,” it blew my mind. And then I thought about it for a minute, and decided it was rubbish.

I mean generic fears: loss, abandonment, rejection, ridicule, hopelessness - yes, I've experienced all of those - I mean, frankly, that's just a morning at the DMV. But maybe I’ve just got an overactive imagination, because should the notion take me, I can find myself afraid about stuff that has completely never happened. Yet.

You see, fear is like the pubic hair of emotions. It’s something that just comes with being an adult.

As anyone who has ever met a toddler will tell you, the first couple of years of parenthood is basically like taking care of a miniature drunk who has no idea of consequences.

Mark still sweats about the one time he was looking after Lachlan, who was then about 18 months. Mark had made the foolish mistake of believing it was OK to go to the bathroom. When he returned, Lachlan, so adorably dressed in a onesie, had managed somehow to climb on top of the kitchen island, and was standing there victorious, holding a bread knife by the serrated edge.

I'm sure there are more terrifying images that a baby standing on top of a kitchen island holding a bread knife, but not many.

For Mark, it was a lesson in fear control. Had he shouted or looked afraid, Lachlan would have tried to hold the knife tighter. So he thought for a moment, smiled, and pulled out one of Lachlan’s favorite bars from the cupboard and pretended to eat it. Lachlan outraged, dropped the knife and yelled very loudly reaching out for the bar.

Emergency situation resolved.

So I guess if what is meant by the idea that “you can only be afraid of something that has already happened,” means that you have to be aware enough to recognize what might have horrific consequences, then I'm good with it. Because then it means that the capacity to fear is a benchmark of experience, rather than an indicator of vulnerability.

When I work with people, I might ask them to write a little something every day - not because I’m a professional douchebag (well not full-time, anyway) but because writing something every day is the best way to hear yourself think.

In life, we take advice from friends. From complete strangers on the internet. Or from douchebags on the TV- who we know to be douchebags- but we listen anyway. But it’s hard to remember to listen to ourselves - even though we each contain the Haynes Manual as to how we work.

You see, each of us basically an encyclopedia of information gathered over years and years. (A big chapter in Mark’s encyclopedia for example is entitled, “Dangers of bathroom breaks when looking after a toddler.”) And when we write stuff down, we then have the opportunity to access that encyclopedia. To literally learn from our own experience.

It doesn’t have to be in the style of Dostoyevsky, or grammatically pleasing enough to impress the old boot of an English teacher at school that told you you had to “try harder.” A wee note to yourself about what you’re thinking, or what you’ve noticed today, or something that’s burrowing away in your mind works perfectly. Consider it the literary equivalent of “buy milk”, so that when you don't quite feel like yourself, you can remember who you are.

And it's particularly useful thing to do when you're in fear.

We all get scared from time to time, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it stops you standing on top of the kitchen island, holding a bread knife because you think it might be a laugh, it's great. But when fear causes paralysis, something has to be done. When I’m scared of stuff, I write out what the issue is on a post-it, and put it in a wee box I have, deciding that I’ll deal with when I’m not stressing. In that way, I’m not hampered by what scares me and I can get on with the rest of my day.

When I first started doing it, I worried about somebody finding my box of fears and discovering what was in there. Pretty soon though I realized that if that did ever happen, it would be no big deal. Because anybody reading my fears would just join in. Fear basically covers the same areas the world over. Like I say, it's the pubic hair of emotions.

Generally, my own fears tend to fall into three categories:

There's the “Reminders To Stay On My Toes” category: Somewhere along the line, I got the idea into my head that if I’m not worried about the possibility of something going wrong in anything I’m doing, then I’m not really awake. It's bollocks of course, but a tough habit to break.

Then there's the “Impending Possible Doom” category, when I am scared about something I can do very little about. Right now, I have a fairly consistent one about a giant, orange, corpuscle winning the election. But there’s not much I can do other than vote, and encourage others who are not lunatics to vote. So I write the sucker out and put it in the box and get on with my life.

And then there's the sporadic “Unpredictable Catastrophic” category that rears its head from time to time. It’s variations on a theme like “Maybe I’ll lose everything and only have a shopping cart,” or “How prepared am I really for an earthquake?”

I find the Unpredictable Catastrophic trickiest of all to write down - not because they're too terrifying, but because they tend to visit around 3 am in the morning. And it's a pain in the ass to get out of bed.

But where I've found the wee box of fear most handy, is that it’s helped me not pick up other people's fear. I have my full quota. I view those trying to pass on fear a bit like cold callers phoning up to sell solar: I understand there's a point to it, but right now I just don't have the headspace.

There's a lot of fear around at the moment. I get that. But fear is only present where there is life experience. And wherever there is life experience, there is wisdom. And everybody knows wisdom never turns up anywhere without its wee pal, solution.

Anyway, I don't know who it was who first said, “You can only be afraid of something that has already happened,” but I do know a guy who doesn't ever go to the bathroom if he's looking after a toddler on his own. And who always makes sure bread knives are safely hidden away in drawers.

xoxo

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Learn more about Lynn’s Story work at YouTellYours.com