Off the hook.

Here’s a word of advice. Be very careful if the thought enters your mind that you should take up crochet. And I know, you might currently be thinking, “ Uhm Lynn, that's never going to happen. I can’t picture myself ever wanting to crochet.”

To which I'd reply, “Oh really? And the past 5 years have gone exactly how you've pictured, have they?” And then I'd rest my case. Smugly.

I've always been a knitter. I’m not proud of it. Yes I know it’s not big and it’s not clever. In my defense though, I learned to knit when I was pretty young and so whenever I’m a little stressed or trying to take my mind off something, I’ve been known to pull out my needles.

As a result, pretty much everyone I know has been forced at some time or another to wear a hat or a sweater or god forbid even socks I have created while trying to stop my mind whirling.

And yes, I’ve tried to wean myself off by doing other stuff: Jigsaws - effective but not portable and they take up a lot of room. Tidying - restores the virtue but not necessarily the calm. Cooking: works but requires tidying afterward. Alcohol - good and often hilarious but not really much of a solution to anything in the long run. So knitting was always my go-to when I wanted my mind to settle.

But frankly, there are not enough knitting projects in existence to combat the stress created by the current plethora of global bullshittery.

So I decided to teach myself to crochet. And, it’s basically just the crafting equivalent of anarchy.

Where knitting is all nice clickety clackety needles and tight wee rows made up in a line, crocheting seems to be just picking up something resembling yarn and maneuvering it with a hook - it could be a perfect hobby for pirates.

And whereas, when you start knitting it's standard to make a scarf or maybe a (pretty useless) pot holder. But when you learn to crochet, you're supposed to begin by making “Granny squares” which are those little squares that you might see in crochet quilts.

And there I rest my point. Who entices anyone into anything by calling it Granny? Granny pants, Granny shoes, Granny squares. It does not sound sexy - not even to Grannies. But crochet people just don't care. Crocheters don’t care about anything. Just look at a bunch of crochet patterns, and you'll see they're happy to stick the virtual middle finger up at fashion.

Anyway, known for being a bit rebellious myself, I completely avoided the Granny squares, and the first thing I made was a shawl for my friend Katie. She’s the arty type which means that she looks great in shawls and also doesn’t mind a mistake or ten.

And then I crocheted a basket - because you're not even allowed to say you’ve even crocheted anything until you've made a basket.

And then I made the mistake of looking on social media and reading about freeform crochet (cue scary music), which basically seems to be a license to make whatever you like, however you like. ( It’s the same idea of starting off with a doodle and then keeping on doodling until you've made a mural.) With freeform crochet, there is no big plan. It's just doing what feels like the right thing to do because that's what you feel like doing.

So then I was hooked. I am very fond of the idea of just following where the notion takes you. Of whatever you’re making, not having to form anything concrete. Of doing it for the ease that it brings, rather than for the product that it makes.

I haven't watched the news at all, and I’m barely playing on social media. I figure I am perfectly capable of scaring the shit out of myself, so I don’t need any news organization to do it for me.

Also, I have no need to hear about the activities of the orange gut wobbler and his assorted trolls. I expect he'll be doing the most objectionable thing to create outrage and the impression of powerlessness. Because that's what he always does. The pattern is as predictable as a stocking stitch scarf. And I am over knitting scarves.

Now I sit on the sofa of an evening, submerged in yarn, partly paying attention to whatever Mark has on the TV, crocheting what I’ve decided could be placemats. Because placemats are the ride-along and not the meal. I mean, nobody ever didn't eat their dinner because their placemats weren't stylish.

I’ve found it very calming myself, but for Mark it has been less so. You see, there seems to be a thing with freeform crochet, where people make strange woollen things that don't have an obvious use, and then post pictures of themselves with their strange creation around their neck, and captioning that they've made themselves a bolero. I had to reassure Mark I was not doing that. I explained that firstly, as I'm from Cumbernauld, I am biologically incapable of wearing a bolero. And secondly, if I ever did, he was perfectly within his rights to ask me why I was wearing a placemat.

I have no big-picture vision. I’m all about one stitch and then the next. But I do know that when a pattern is too familiar, then it's time for that pattern to be broken. And that life is about making your own choices rather than just constantly reacting to the disturbing choices someone else has made.

So, for now, I'm going freeform to see just where that takes me.

I’m going with the flow. I’m open to possibilities. Though I'm obviously never, ever going to wear a fucking crocheted bolero.

Till next week xo

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